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The holidays are often seen as a time for joy, connection, and rest. But for so many—this season can also bring the heavy weight of expectations. From the demands of family and work to the pressure to create perfect holiday experiences, the emotional and mental toll can be overwhelming. Just nod and continue reading if you can relate...
This season, I want us to challenge any expectations that no longer serve us and reclaim the holidays as a time to align with what truly matters. To explore this, I spoke with a few of The Black Girl Doctors, and together, we’re offering insights and strategies to help you navigate this holiday season with intention and ease.
Understanding the Weight of Expectations
Expectations during the holidays often fall into a few categories:
Family Expectations: Feeling obligated to host, cook, or take on the bulk of holiday responsibilities because “you’ve always done it.”
Cultural Expectations: The unspoken pressure to hold everything together as a Black woman, even when it comes at the expense of your peace.
Workplace Pressures: The difficulty of fully disconnecting from work due to real and imagined deadlines, pressure from everyone who needs something from you, or the fear of being perceived as uncommitted.
Self-Imposed Perfectionism: Striving for a flawless holiday experience—from decorations to meals to family interactions.
Dr. Jac shares that, “perfectionism can creep in, especially when we’re surrounded by curated images of the perfect holiday. We spend so much energy trying to meet these standards that we lose sight of what we actually need: rest, connection, and gratitude.”
The Core Beliefs That Keep Us Stuck
Behind these behaviors are often deeply rooted core beliefs—assumptions we’ve internalized over time. While they may feel true, these beliefs can lead us to overextend ourselves and make decisions that conflict with our needs. Here are some examples of the core beliefs that may drive over-achievement, over-extension, and stress during the holidays:
“If I don’t do it, it won’t get done.”
“My family will think less of me if I don’t meet their expectations.”
“If I ask for help, it means I’ve failed.”
“Rest is indulgent—I’ll rest when everything is done or when I'm dead.”
“I have to be the one to fix family conflicts and create harmony.”
“The holidays are my responsibility to preserve for my family.”
“If I don’t over-perform, people will lose respect for me and I'll probably get fired.”
“If it's not perfect my kids holiday will be ruined and I'll be a terrible mom.”
“If I step back from work, I’ll fall behind professionally and never make my money goals”
Dr. Dom reminds us that these beliefs often come from past experiences or societal conditioning, but they don’t have to dictate our present. She explains, “Our values shift over time. When we take the time to reflect on what matters most and is actually true for us now, we can release the expectations that no longer align with who we are today.”
Will you really get fired if you take a vacation? My guess is that even if some of these were true at some point in your life, most of these beliefs are exaggerations at best of your current realities.
Challenging Core Beliefs and Reclaiming Your Peace
Challenging core beliefs takes intentionality and courage, but it’s the first step toward making decisions that align with your true needs. Here are some strategies to help:
Reflect on What’s True Today. Spend time identifying what matters most this season. Ask yourself:
“What do I want to prioritize this holiday season?”
“What expectations can I let go of to create space for joy and peace?”
Redefine Success. Dr. Jac encourages a shift from perfection to presence:
“Focus on the moments that bring you joy—like laughter with loved ones or meaningful conversations. Imperfection is part of the charm of the holidays.”
Set Boundaries with Compassion. Use kind but firm language to communicate your limits. For example:
“I can’t take on hosting this year, but I’d love to contribute in another way.”
“I need to focus on rest this season, so I’ll only be able to attend for a short while.”
Create a Sensory Reset. Dr. Akilah recommends grounding yourself with sensory-based self-care:
Light a candle or listen to soothing music.
Wrap up in a cozy blanket or enjoy your favorite comfort food.
Change your environment—whether that’s a staycation or a quick getaway to recharge.
Release, Realign, Reclaim
The holidays don’t have to be about overextending yourself or meeting unrealistic expectations. By naming and challenging the beliefs that weigh you down, you can realign your actions with your true values and reclaim the season as a time of joy, rest, and connection.
I leave you with this African proverb, “When the music changes, so does the dance.” Let this season be one where you find peace within yourself, release the expectations that no longer serve you, and embrace the joy of living in alignment with who you truly are.
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